


Lonely

by L3writing



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:01:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29989470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L3writing/pseuds/L3writing
Summary: What if Meredith didn't leave Seattle after Derek died, how does she get through the next year? She relies on her support network of Alex, Jackson, Maggie & Amy. Starts season 11 just after Derek dies.TW: Mentions Infant Loss, Character Deaths (Same as on show), struggles with Anxiety, Depression, etc.
Relationships: Meredith Grey & Alex Karev, Meredith Grey & Jackson Avery
Kudos: 11





	1. Feeling Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This story starts at the end of Season 11 just after Derek is killed, starting March-April 2015 and is Meredith's journey after losing her soulmate. She chooses to stay and not run away.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduction to the story

* * *

" _There's a thing we say when someone dies. We say it to the patient's family. We say, "I'm sorry for your loss." It's a pat little phrase and an empty one. It doesn't begin to cover what's actually happening to them. It lets us empathize without forcing us to feel their devastation ourselves. It protects us from feeling that pain, that dark, sinking, relentless pain. The kind that can eat you alive. And every day, I thank God for that. We can't get too close. If we felt even little of the joy and the hopes that our patients are saying goodbye to, we'd never be able to function. So we say, "We're sorry for your loss." and we hope it offers something. Some little bit of support. Some bit of peace. Some bit of closure. Something good. Some little piece of beauty in the midst of some place dark. An unexpected gift, just when it's needed most."_

— _April Kepner_

**All Alone**

They were all gone. Ellis was dead. Susan was dead. George killed by a bus. Charles and Reed dead by gunshot. Lexie and Mark killed in the plane crash. Samuel Avery dead. Derek was dead.

Izzie left, Burke left, Molly left and Cristina left. Owen and April were leaving for the Middle East. Even Dr Nicole Herman, Arizona's mentor was now blind and had left Grey-Sloan.

She was alone. Well not completely alone, she has two young children. A widow. Two young children. A Surgeon. And alone. Except Alex, her co-worker, her friend, her brother, her person.

Her biological family was never big. She never knew any of her grandparents. She was raised as an only child by her mom. Her mom died in her intern year. Since she'd moved to Seattle she learned of her dad's family (her sperm donor, she hadn't seen him since she was 4), 2 half sisters and a step-mom. Her dad, Thatcher, was a drunk and completely useless, he might as well be dead. Her step mom, Susan, and half-sister Lexie were among the dead. Molly, her dad's other daughter, lived out of state and had no relationship with her or with her dad. She also had Maggie, a half-sister that had been adopted after birth, who arrived back as a surgeon at Grey-Sloan.

She also had her sister-in-law, Amelia who lived with her and had her husband's job. Her mother-in-law, Carolyn and 3 sister-in-laws were on the east coast. She didn't have a relationship with those on the east coast. Carolyn had stayed for a week after Derek died but she headed back to New York and is now very distant.

Her Grey-Sloan Hospital family started with the Chief of Surgery, Dr Richard Webber. He'd been around when she'd last been in Seattle, he remembered carrying her around as a toddler. Her resident, Dr Miranda Bailey could be counted among her family members. She'd named her son Bailey, after Miranda saved her life during that traumatic delivery. Her intern group, Izzie, George, Cristina and Alex. Izzie had left, abandoned them. George had been killed by a bus. Cristina fled to Switzerland. Now only Alex was left. Another 4 students were added to their 3rd year during a merger, only April and Jackson were left.

Her only family was Alex. Not by blood. Not by marriage. But even stronger, by choice. He was her brother. Her strength. Her best friend. Her person.

She was in a dark and twisty place, she was alone, her soulmate was dead.

* * *

" _I have to believe there's a way. There has to be a way to step off the carousel. Start again. Start fresh. There has to be a way to leave all my ghosts behind. It's a choice. It's a choice I'm making. To move forward. To move past this. I can do that. I can do that. All I have to do is begin."_

— _Ellis and Meredith Grey_

**Stay or Go?**

Ellis ran away with Meredith she was 5. They ran across country to Boston. They had no friends, no support network, no family. She grew up with a series of nannies and Ellis retreated to surgery. Meredith doesn't want to do that with her kids. She needed her support network. She needs her work. She needed Alex.

"Mer, I know you want to run. I can see it, but stay for me. Stay for Zola and Bailey. Stay for Richard," said Alex holding her one night after Carolyn left.

"Zola needs Sophia," Meredith agrees.

"You have a professional support network with Dr Webber and Dr Bailey. They will give you the time you need. You have a personal support network with Amelia, Maggie, Jackson, April, Owen, Arizona and Callie. Your kids are at the hospital daycare."

"And you."

"Yes I'm here with you."

"You are always here for me."

"You are my best friend," Alex says still rubbing her back. She finally drifts off to sleep. Hopefully tonight she won't wake in fear. Hopefully she will sleep more than 2 hours.

_A year ago_

_Meredith is freaking out because she doesn't want to go to DC. She's realized its not the best for her or their kids._

_Meredith: I told Derek I am not moving to DC. The children and I are staying here._

_Alex: All right, the miracle is over._

_Meredith: The miracle is not over. We're not a miracle. Shut up._

_Alex: You can't break into my house and wake me up to talk and then tell me to shut up!_

_Meredith: My person._

_Alex: I don't know what you mean._

_Meredith: But you do._

_(They hug.)_

_Meredith: I just don't know if my marriage can survive this._

_Derek: I'm not moving to DC._

_Meredith: Why would you do that?_

_Derek: Well, I don't want to live anywhere else when my kids are growing up here. I don't want to be apart from them, or you. No job is worth that to me. I want to be with you and the kids here._

_He said that he'd stay, but then he moped. He fought. He was angry. When the President kept hounding him she sent him. She made him go. She was tired of the fighting. It wasn't what she wanted, but she couldn't have him stay. They were all unhappy._


	2. Moving Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meredith stays and finally makes it back to work.

* * *

**Easter**

Easter had been tough without Derek. Meredith was in a daze. She was still just existing. She wasn't back at work yet. She just couldn't face a day without holding her kids. Her friends at the hospital had been great. They had rallied and created a calendar of help so someone always stopped by to help, to cook, to take the kids out, or just to sit with them. Amy still had a room at the house, but she seeing Owen and had added extra responsibilities as her department was down one neurosurgeon. Owen was living in the trailer on her land, so he was often nearby in an emergency. And Alex, he was around. He helped hold her together.

Alex had once again stayed overnight, he got up early and hid Easter Eggs in the playroom, had bought Easter baskets with a new Easter t-shirt and a chocolate bunny and made us waffles for breakfast. He even got her an Easter basket with chocolate and tequila. His response when she said he didn't need to was that he was doing all the activities that they always wished they could have. He was right, they weren't activities they'd done as kids. That was part of the bond that Alex and Meredith shared, shitty childhoods. Left to raise themselves.

Callie and Arizona hosted an Easter dinner for those who weren't working and they had Easter Bunny activities for Zola, Sophia and Bailey. It was a good evening and she is grateful for her friends. She misses Derek, her soulmate. Meredith feels alone.

Owen and April left. Shrinking her support network. Jackson was angry and sad that April was leaving, the loss of their son, Samuel, had divided them, and now she was leaving, running away. Owen and Amelia had a troubled relationship, and with the loss of his friend and her brother he decided to do one more tour of service for his country. With Owen and April leaving, Jackson and Amelia were lost like her, alone, lonely, sad.

Amelia was lost, she'd had a tough life. She had barely started to rebuild her brother's trust before he died. She missed him. But she was glad she no longer fought with him. He could be an ass. And selfish. Somedays as much as she missed him, she was glad he was no longer there. That brought the guilt. The anger. With Owen gone she was struggling with anger about so many things.

Before Derek Left for DC

_Amelia: Look, I get it! You were king of all neurosurgeons, right hand to the president. And now you can't have that, so you need to be king of the hospital and kick around the peons._

_Derek: You of all people should understand that this was the future of neuroscience. I mean, this is what we would've dreamt of in med school if we'd thought it was even possible that it could be done._

_Amelia: Then you shouldn't have given it up. But the least you can do is stop stomping around here punishing people for a choice you made._

_Derek: I didn't make a choice. Meredith made a choice and backed me into a corner. And because I love my kids and I love my wife and I want to do what's best for her... I do. I want to give her everything. But something like this will not come again. This is it. This is as high as I go. I have never taken a step back in my career ever. I've never felt like this before, and I feel like she forced me._

_Amelia: Okay, well, I know the feeling, because it is happening to me right now._

_Derek: I'm not trying to..._

_Amelia: No, I know that you're not trying to, but you are, Derek! You are doing it to me and Meredith. You say that you want her to have everything, but not if it interferes with you having your everything. And it is not fair, and I am saying no, too, because you have to live with the choices you make._

_Derek: I am trying to. I am trying._

_Amelia: I know. We're all trying. It's just, no one wants to give up... Or give in. And no one should. Right?_

* * *

**Mother's Day**

" _You are no more than ordinary. What happened to you?" -Ellis Grey_

When you aren't raised by your mother, Mother's Day holds difficult memories. Whether your mom spent her whole life on her career or your mom struggled with schizophrenia and left you to raise your younger siblings, you were abandoned.

Mother's Day brought back her doubts. Her mother never believed she could be a surgeon. Her mother never believed she could succeed.

Their first year as Attendings Alex and Meredith performed surgery on a poor girl who they originally believed had been abandoned. In the end it turned out the mother was terrified, either way her poor daughter was in pain. They work together to save the little girls life. Meredith thinks of that little girl, and of Alex now sitting on the floor doing Zola's braids.

_Alex & Meredith surgery_

_Alex and Meredith removed the biggest part of the tumour, 7.8 pounds of lousy parenting. Alex is surprised that the girl does have Dutch braids, which he used to do for his sister when his mother was strung out. It's so hard to do it that only a mother would take the time to do it. Alex wonders what mother would take the time to do her daughter's hair, and still let her develop an 8 pound tumour. Despite complications they save the girl, thinking outside the box to find a solution, the OR staff applauds._

The one holiday that Derek was great in celebrating for Meredith was Mother's Day, making her feel extra special on one day of the year. Meredith never felt she'd be a good mother. Her mother never set a good example. Alex decided that he would rally the troops and give her a special weekend, she deserved it. She was now a single mom. Saturday he sent Meredith, Maggie and Amelia out for a spa day, while he took the kids and they did some extra special crafts for Mother's Day. Sunday he got the kids up and they had breakfast left her to sleep in. Once she finally woke, they served her breakfast in bed, poured her a kid-free bubble bath, and then they went for a walk down to the beach. Along the walkway they placed two newly painted stepping stones, hand prints with the dates on them from Bailey and Zola.

Mother's Day she went to bed feeling loved but alone. Loved by her sisters Maggie and Amelia. Loved by her kids. And loved by Alex.

* * *

**Memorial Day**

Meredith has been back at work for a few weeks but she just started adding in on-call shifts and weekend shifts. Weekend shifts are hard, she doesn't like leaving the kids in daycare all weekend, and anything overnight is currently a struggle. Meredith is back teaching and operating. Dr Webber understood her need for time off and has been great with her on a back to work plan. She is relying more and more on her four closest friends, Alex, Jackson, Maggie and Amelia. Maggie, Alex and Amelia are living at the house, and without April Jackson often sleeps over. He'll crash on the couch or any empty bed, but he doesn't cook but brings some pretty amazing takeout. Must be something about having famous surgeons for mothers, Catherine Avery and Ellis Grey never left the hospital enough to teach their kids to cook. Maggie had been great cooking and comfort cooks enough lasagna to feed everyone.

Zola and Bailey easily transition back to daycare and are excited to see their friends, especially Sophia. Zola still asks regularly for Daddy, she kept asking when he'd be back from DC. She struggled to accept Derek's death. Meredith called Kathleen Shepard to get some ideas to help and then setup time with a counsellor for Zola. Bailey turned 3. Maggie organized a small party on his birthday with pizza and birthday cake for all the attendings and their families that were available.

The Friday before Memorial Day the cafeteria, Meredith, Alex, Maggie, and Arizona are getting lunch. They overhear a doctor complaining that she had to wait two hours for a neuro consult. She wants the board to get off their asses and hire a new neurosurgeon already. Arizona is angry, but Maggie tells her it's not worth making a scene over. However, when the doctor calls it bad management, Arizona can't stand it anymore.

Memorial Day Weekend was difficult for Arizona, she remembers the loss of her brother, a US Army Ranger and so she was quick to anger, and yells "Take a minute to think about the life, the talent that we lost before you start complaining about how Dr Shepard's death has been inconvenience. Take a moment to think of Dr Grey, his wife, a doctor and board member here. And the head of neuro is his sister, she is mourning too. Top neurosurgeons are hard to find, we were lucky to have two for as long as we did."

Arizona whispers, "I made a scene." Meredith is in tears. Alex quickly and quietly pulls her up, wrapping his arm around her and escorts her away from the cafeteria.

She was still lonely, but not alone. She had some amazing friends. Arizona had really stepped up today. And Alex, her best friend, her person.

She'd survived 2 months without her soulmate. It wasn't getting easier. But being back in the OR helped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all your support. Comments and kudos are appreciated.


	3. Father's Day Dread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Father's Day for Alex, Jackson and Meredith has always been hard. They hate the fact that Zola and Bailey have joined the Dead Dad's Club. How could there be some hope this year?

_ Dead Dad's Club _

_Cristina Yang: George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club._

_George O'Malley: I don't know how to exist in a world where my Dad doesn't._

_Cristina Yang: Yeah, that never really changes._

**Father's Day**

She didn't want to do tomorrow. Father's day had only become a thing in her life after adopting Zola. Derek was the reason for Father's day. And now he wasn't here. Maybe they could ride the ferry and go out for pancakes, or she could just stay in bed. But with a 3 year old and 4 year old that wasn't realistic. She couldn't leave them. Zola kept asking for Daddy, especially this week with activities at daycare about Daddies. Chatting with Arizona earlier in the week, she knew that this week was hard for Sophia too. It would be really good if the daycare would just skip this "Hallmark Holiday".

She really should spend the day with the kids and enjoy it. She did love her kids. But it was work always trying to be happy around them. Zola was a great Mommy's little helper. Bailey, now 3, was now into the temper tantrum stage. She was dreading tomorrow. She wanted to hide. Skip tomorrow.

At lunch she sat with Alex and Jackson. They all looked awful, none of them had fathers, Jackson's father had left them when he was young, Meredith's father had left when she was 5, and Alex's father was a drunk and was arrested for domestic violence. And to increase the dread of tomorrow the recent losses added to their pain. Jackson has lost his newborn son this year. And she had lost the father of her children. "Tomorrow is going to suck! Drinks and pizza at my house tonight?" Meredith asked.

"I'm in." "Me too."

Later that evening they were sitting sharing a bottle of wine with pizza after the kids were in bed watching the football game. Meredith was tired and didn't really care about the football game so laid down, stretching out and putting her head on Alex's lap and feet up on Jackson's lap. They'd spent a few nights like this since April had left. All of them crashed on her couch. Jackson absently started rubbing her feet.

As she stretched out and her shirt rose, Alex noticed her abdomen. "Um-mm, Mer," he said.

"What?"

"Any chance you could be pregnant?" Alex said.

"I haven't had sex since Derek died. So no."

"Look at your abdomen," Alex said.

"It does look like you've popped," said Jackson.

"The last time I had sex, let alone unprotected sex, was the night before he died. I'd be over 3 months pregnant!" she said starting to panic.

"Relax, Mer. Have you had any symptoms? Nausea? Sleepy? Weight changes?" asked Jackson switching into doctor mode.

"I've lost weight. I've attributed any nausea, tiredness, and moodiness to being a widow with preschoolers," she answered.

"That's understandable. It's been a tough few months for you," Jackson said soothingly.

"When was your last period?" asked Alex.

"Alex! Really!"

"Mer, were friends, doctors."

"No clue. Thinking back I don't know if I've had one since Derek died, just put if down as stress."

"Mer, you could be 3-4 months pregnant," Alex said holding her hand on her abdomen and gently rubbing her forehead.

"But how could I not know?"

"You've been focused on other things. We are here for you," Jackson added.

"Mer, its OK. Why don't we go into the hospital and get an ultrasound?" Alex said.

"I'll stay here with the kids," said Jackson.

"Perks of the job. Midnight ultrasounds?" she laughs.

"Midnight ultrasound. Amelia is at the hospital, are we avoiding her on our way in?" Alex asks while still comforting her.

"Can we keep it between us until we know for sure?"

"Yes, Mer."

"You'll be OK, Mer. You can do this!" Jackson said helping her sit up.

Alex and Meredith drove to the hospital and snuck upstairs to the maternity floor. They found an empty exam room and Alex stole an ultrasound machine and grabbed a supplies to take the necessary blood work. To prepare, she slid down her leggings and panties while sliding up her shirt, then squirted the cold gel on her definite baby bump. Alex slid the transducer along her lower abdomen and quickly found the fetus and heartbeat.

"Wow!" she said tears running down her face. "Alex look at that! Derek's baby"

"Placenta looks good so does the cord. 14 weeks," he says focused on the monitor and continues scanning. "Want to see if we can see the gender? It might be a little early."

"OK."

"Hmm," he says as he shows a picture of the genital area.

"Looks like a girl, but most techs won't confirm to the 20 week scan. Print me some photos," she demands still crying, trying to dry her tears with her hand. He hands her some tissues.

"Yes boss," he says printing off a few pics and then wiping her abdomen. He took her blood pressure and did a blood draw, "BP is OK, and lets drop this on our way out and we can check the results in the morning."

"Thanks Alex," she said getting up from the exam table and giving him a hug not wanting to let go.

* * *

Father's Day wasn't as bad as she thought, her family was here for brunch – Alex, Jackson, Amy and Maggie. After last nights revelation she had news to share, a little baby coming before Christmas. Hopefully this new baby would have his hair and beautiful blue eyes. Now the hard part, telling Amelia and Maggie.

The kids were in the living room watching cartoons. We were all around the table chatting and drinking coffee. It was time to tell Maggie and Amelia. Taking a deep breath, Meredith said, "I'm 14 weeks pregnant."

"What?" "How?"

"Amy, you know how it works. Unprotected sex with your brother the night before he died," she answered.

"Yuck. I didn't need to know that," Amelia said.

"You asked," she responded a little snarkily.

"When did you find out? How have you kept it from us?" Maggie said.

"Alex and I figured it out last night. Alex took her in for a midnight ultrasound," Jackson admitted rescuing Meredith from the inquisition.

"Congratulations," Amelia said reaching over to squeeze her shoulder in support. "Are you telling mom?"

"Maybe later, Amy. She wasn't happy I was back at work already when I last talked. I don't want to talk to her," Meredith said.

"That's fine with me," Amelia said getting up and giving Meredith a huge hug. Her relationship with her mom was strained too.

"Congratulations," said Maggie joining in the hug.

She was pregnant! And now her family knew. She broke down in tears and ran out of the room. She just needed some time alone. How did she not know for 14 weeks? What was her OB going to say?

She could hear the kids playing with Jackson and Alex outside. Amelia had come upstairs and crawled in beside her and just held her. She felt safe. And drifted off to sleep. Mid-afternoon she got up and joined the kids outside. Maggie doing her best stress cooking made a huge lasagna for dinner. They all sat and enjoyed a family dinner together. None of them had fathers, except Maggie and she has two. Life wasn't fair. But they were together. Stronger together.

**Independence Day**

Meredith spent the day at the water with her kids. Her friends from the hospital came and went as their schedules allowed. Alex had made waffles for breakfast but raced out after a 911 page at noon. Maggie arrived about 2pm bringing pizza with her after finishing an emergency surgery and a long night at the hospital. Amelia, Jackson, Arizona, Sophia, Callie, Bailey, Ben and Richard Webber all arrived and left throughout the day. Each brought snacks including the amazing cupcakes that Richard picked up. The kids loved them.

After a day playing outside Zola and Bailey headed easily to bed, even the temper tantrum nightmare kid, Bailey. Normally it would take over an hour of fighting and bribing to get him down. Tonight it was PJs on, he laid down and one story and he was out.

The first fireworks appear in the sky, Maggie, Amelia and Meredith were sitting on the deck. Maggie said "This is why I came to Seattle. A day with family. I wanted to find out about my birth mother and I found all of you."

"Look at our family," Amelia said reaching her hand to Meredith's belly.

"I do have a family, but I miss Derek," Meredith said crying.

"It's OK, I miss my brother too."

They continue to watch the fireworks in silence.

She wasn't as alone as she felt. Well not completely alone, she had two young children and she was pregnant. A widow. Two young children, soon to have three. Pregnant. A Surgeon. And lonely. But she had her Grey-Sloan family.

At 16 weeks pregnant, she was still somewhat in disbelief and hadn't told anyone other than her closest family: Alex, Jackson, Maggie and Amelia. She did call Addison Montgomery, Derek's first wife, as she was an OB and had connections as she didn't want to go to the OB Attending at Grey-Sloan, but needed one with hospital privileges. The advantage of having Addison call in the favour is that Meredith got an appointment quickly with Dr Smith and she didn't need to deal with any of the arguing with secretaries. Alex had sent Addison the blood test results and ultrasound scan, so had also sent a note covering some basics of Meredith's history including why a surgeon didn't know she was pregnant until she was 14 weeks. Meredith didn't want to go alone. She hated doing things alone. She was too close to tears these days. She was able to sneak Jackson out of the hospital with her for the first appointment as the other 3 who knew of her pregnancy were in surgery. Jackson was amazing. He took the forms and filled them out for her, and just had her fill in some of the medical history questions he didn't know. Dr Smith was a gentle older OB, and was very understanding and supportive. He was happy with how things were progressing but wanted to make sure she kept eating as her weight was a little on the low side.

The next sized scrubs helped as they were fairly generous so were still hiding her bump, especially with her lab coat, or surgical robe on. But considering she normally wore fairly tailored blouses with her slacks when not in scrubs she was slowly running out of blouses that didn't show the bump. She bought a couple of loose blouses that didn't scream "maternity clothes" to get her through the transition. The advantage was that it was summer so soft flowy tops and sundresses were perfect to hide the baby bump.

She wasn't sure how much longer she was going to be able to hide her pregnancy. She didn't want the scrutiny. The questions. The rumour mill at the hospital was nasty. She just wanted to avoid it. But she wasn't running. She couldn't do that to her kids. To her family.


	4. Summer

**Summer**

The weather in Seattle was beautiful. Dry and not too hot. Not like Boston. The kids spent as much time as possible riding their bikes or convincing one of us to take them down to the lake. They liked splashing at the edge of the lake, or watching Jackson or Alex skip rocks. A number of the nurses, especially Bokhee and her team from the OR, would routinely deliver meals, salads or gift cards for local delivery places. The support from the Grey-Sloan staff was amazing.

One night when Alex and Meredith were sitting on the deck enjoying the quiet, as Meredith grabbed Alex's hand and placed it on her belly asking, "Feel that?"

"Baby's moving! Wow!" Alex sat quietly with his hand in hers still pressed on her baby bump, feeling the light kicks of her baby. Looking over at her he said, "I want waffle Sundays."

Meredith responded, "Am I supposed to know what that means?"

"Well, every Sunday, I want to do waffles, like a family, all of us. You, me, the kids, Maggie, Amelia, Jackson, all together."

"Okay. Do I have to help make the waffles?"

"That's my thing. Stay out of the kitchen," Alex responded.

"Even better!" she responded.

"I'll let everyone know we are doing that this weekend."

She loved how supportive everyone was. Even if the support was sometimes overbearing. Richard was the worst for that. But he always had been. He felt guilty over his affair with Ellis, for allowing Ellis to take her to Boston and for not knowing about Maggie. Richard was almost as bad as Derek but since he didn't know about the pregnancy, he wasn't pushing her to slow down yet.

In many ways this pregnancy was easier without Derek. He couldn't side line her, make her sit out, or fight with her about doing so much.

After Derek first turned down the President

_In a hospital lounge, Meredith and Derek are fighting again over the day._ _S_ _he_ _left to have a_ _drink,_ _or two,_ _with Ale_ _x._

_Meredith: You're waiting for me to pay up for this grand sacrifice that you made for our family. How am I supposed to do anything with you pressuring me and hovering over me for a decision that you made? And you're waiting for me to fail._

_Derek: I'm waiting for you to shine. Remember? That's why you're staying here._

_Meredith: And I told you, you should go to_ _DC_ _and shine there. It was you who decided to stay here and martyr yourself and now make me feel guilty because of a decision you made. Well, I am done. I'm done feeling guilty, and I am done measuring my accomplishments against yours. I won't do it anymore. Just stay out of my way._

_Derek: Wow. You sound just like your mother._

She had felt so guilty the last year of their marriage. They fought so much. She loved Derek. But he was selfish. He wanted it all, he wanted everything, but always seemed to be on his terms. In a way so was Meredith. But she couldn't move her family, couldn't leave her job to go to one he found for her. It had been the same when I'd been applying for fellowships, he was always pushing her to move. But the opportunities at Grey-Sloan were amazing. She didn't need to move to do ground breaking research. He pushed for them to leave Seattle for her fellowship but due to the plane crash they all stayed in Seattle. The past 9 years in Seattle had been hell. The bomb, her drowning, the shooting, plane crash, and Derek's car accident.

But she missed having him to cuddle with.

She felt alone when she started thinking about all these events. She needed someone who would understand. She would call Alex when her thoughts got too dark and twisty. He was her person. Her support. He'd been there through it all, even if they'd started on a rough note.

Day 1 of Internship

_Alex: God I hate nurses. I'm Alex. I'm with Jeremy. You're with the Nazi right?_

_Mer: She may not have pneumonia, you know? She could be splinting or a PE_

_Alex: Like I said I hate nurses_

_Mer: What did you just say? Did you just call me a nurse?_

_Alex: If the white cap fits..._

They didn't start out as friends, but as two opposing individuals in a tough program. And here they were best friends, even if he'd called her a nurse the first day. So many nights recently they had fallen asleep together, exhausted on the couch.

So now 9 years later he was taking her to a 20 Week Ultrasound and checkup with her OB. Amelia hoped to come over too, but she was having to rearrange her surgery schedule to bump or trade off an aneurysm clipping. Their appointment was at Dr Smith's office a few blocks from the hospital, so Alex and Meredith had taken the afternoon off and went to for lunch at a local deli on their walk to the office. Thankfully it wasn't too hot out for their walk, and Amelia's run to the appointment. Meredith was so glad that Amelia was wanting to be so involved as she knew that she'd had a difficult infant loss in California before moving to Seattle.

"Who do we have with us today, Dr Grey?"

"My good friend Dr Alex Karev, Chief of Paeds and the baby's aunt, Dr Amelia Shepherd, Chief of Neuro," she said introducing her friends.

"Sounds good. Welcome Dr Karev, Dr Shepherd. I'm Dr Smith. I'm glad that Dr Grey has a good support network around her. You're halfway. Everything looks good. Your weight is still a little low, but it has been increasing. Keep eating, especially protein and full fat items."

"Can we find out the gender?" Meredith asks.

"As long as this little one co-operates," he says starting the scan.

"Another granddaughter for my mom! The Shepherd girls run strong," Amelia says.

"And I'm also one of 4 girls," Meredith admitted, thinking of Lexie, Molly and Maggie. Although they had a mix of parents and they hadn't all met, they were all sisters.

**Labour Day Weekend**

She wasn't alone. She had a family. No it wasn't traditional. She was a widow, pregnant with 2 kids under 5. But her family was growing. Alex. Jackson. Amelia. Maggie. Her family was strong. Her family was supportive. But she was still lonely. She'd lost her soulmate, 5 months.

Last week she'd taken Alex to her appointment, and on the way the baby was growing, but she was exhausted, and needing to scale back at work. Now was the time to tell the hospital. She really didn't want to, but she needed to change her schedule again. She'd been doing a pretty good job avoiding long surgeries, but the 18-24 hour shifts were no longer possible. She'd been told by her doctor to start limiting her workload or she would be on medical leave. They headed back to the hospital and she was worried about talking to them. The board officially knew as Jackson, the head of the board helped diagnose the pregnancy. He'd silently rescheduled some surgeries or he or Alex scrubbed in with her on some of the longer surgeries to keep an eye on her.

The Thursday before Labour Day weekend they had all taken the day off to start the weekend with a party. They knew that Labour Day weekend would be busy with accidents and injuries as people enjoyed the last long weekend of the summer. They planned to still have time at Meredith's house over the rest of the weekend, but why not have their own celebration when they were unlikely to get paged. Jackson and Alex had setup the BBQ and some large tables on the deck for their dinner. They had a large trug with ice of beer and non-alcoholic drinks.

Arizona had brought Sophia out early and the kids had played quietly while everyone prepped food for their afternoon BBQ. Miranda Bailey and Ben had brought Tuck out and they joined Amelia, Arizona, Zola, Sophia and Bailey at the lake. Meredith sent Alex and Jackson down to play with the kids at the lake saying she was just going to enjoy the quiet.

"Are you feeling OK?" Jackson asked getting ready to head down to the water.

"No answering that you are fine!" Alex interjected as he put on his shoes.

"Just tired. And I haven't told Richard or Miranda yet."

"Do you want to do that today? Or at work tomorrow?" Jackson asked.

"You need to let them know soon as you aren't supposed to be working as many hours," Alex said.

"I know. Maybe today. We will see how the afternoon is."

"Remember we are here for you," Alex added.

By 3pm Meredith heard the troops heading up from the lake, they really weren't quiet and had woken her from her nap on the front porch. She took Zola and Bailey inside to change them into dry clothes. Everyone who had been into the lake found dry clothes and then all settled around the deck with some snacks that Amelia had spread out. Not long after Richard and Catherine came out directly from the hospital so brought Maggie and Callie with them as they had all worked for the day. Callie and Maggie thought it was great arriving in Catherine's limo. Richard and Ben took on BBQ duty and cooked up hot dogs, hamburgers and veggie burgers for the crowd. It was a great gathering of friends, enjoying food and drink and summer sunshine. This was her chance to let everyone know she was pregnant. Expand her circle of trusted friends.

They were all sitting around the deck, seconds and thirds done. Relaxing and chatting. Enjoying their friendships outside of the hospital. No pages, no emergencies. Meredith moved over and standing behind Alex and Jackson she put her hands on each of their shoulders for strength. Amelia noticed Meredith move over and moved to stand near her, as Meredith bend down and asked Jackson to get everyone's attention.

"Everyone, please. I'd like to thank Meredith for hosting another amazing event here. Having us together is amazing," Jackson said.

"Thanks, Jackson. There's also some news I need to share. Derek..." she said breaking into tears.

Amelia pulled her into her arms hugging her tight. "Meredith is expecting Derek's baby girl. She is due in December."

"Thanks, Amy," she said trying to stop the tears and headed inside for a few minutes of quiet. She could hear the talking outside and could hear Amelia answering a few questions. None of them had suspected. She wasn't alone for long as Alex had slipped away from the group and came in and handed her a glass of water and just sat beside her on the couch.

Labour Day weekend at the hospital was crazy. Callie and Amelia barely left the hospital as summer activities led to broken bones and concussions or more serious brain injuries. Meredith worked Friday and Saturday, but was home the other days. She'd ended up with Sophia overnight as Arizona was paged into the hospital on her Saturday night off while the girls were playing together. Waffle Sunday didn't happen as it was just her with Zola, Bailey and Sophia, instead she took them out for crepes at the local cafe. The four of them spent the most of the day just hanging out until Alex and Jackson had arrived mid afternoon and taken the kids outside to play. Thankfully that meant someone was there to cook dinner too! They wouldn't end up eating mac and cheese from a box.

Dr Webber had called her into his office and went over a similar plan as she'd had when she was pregnant with Bailey. He finished their meeting and said, "You are an amazing person, Derek would be proud of you."

"But would Ellis?"

"Your Mom was proud of you, she just couldn't put her love into words," he said giving her a hug.


	5. Autumn

" _When the ground gives way and your world collapses, maybe you just need to have faith. And trust that you can survive this. Maybe you just need to hold on tight. And no matter what, don't let go."  
-Meredith Grey_

**Autumn**

Starting about 25 weeks pregnant she couldn't wear her regular clothes anymore except sweats. She couldn't wear sweats to work. She had a few outfits from when she was pregnant with Bailey, so they'd pulled them down from the attic. Amelia was excited to do some clothes shopping with her, so had dragged her out to the mall. She got a couple of outfits for work, some leggings, a pair comfy maternity-nursing friendly pyjamas and some new undies. Amelia bought her two cute maternity dresses and a Hallowe'en tunic. While there they had bought new fall clothes for the kids because as we know, kids always grow.

Meredith was really enjoying times she spent with Amelia, they were close. They were closer to one another than their own sisters. Amelia had 3 in the New York area, but she wasn't close to them. Meredith had Molly and Maggie, and although she was closer to Maggie than Molly, Amelia was definitely a closer sister. Amelia reminded her of the only biological family she was ever close to, her sister Lexie. She missed Lexie. She wished that Amelia and Derek had been able to mend their past. She knew Amelia had hurt him, but addiction was a nasty disease.

_Derek's Mustang_

_Amelia was in Seattle visiting and had brought a patient in. She wanted to operate and had the Chief's permission. She put herself on the board for the surgery anyway, but Derek was having none of it and removed it._

_To Meredith, he yelled, "She crashed my car when she was high. And stole my prescription pad."_

_To Amelia, he yelled, "You think I'm going to let you do to him what you did to my Mustang?"_

_So we were getting somewhere with our family therapy, in view of the whole surgical floor, but it was never resolved. Derek never trusted Amelia. He loved her. But didn't trust her._

Addiction to drugs and alcohol had hit Meredith's life in so many ways. Amelia has fought every day to stay clean. To prove her family wrong. That she could do it. Meredith supported her. She knew Amelia fought it everyday. Amelia was succeeding. One day, one hour at a time. Richard Webber also fought addiction and through recovery at AA, Richard had also made friends with Amelia. They looked out for one another. Addiction also destroyed her birth-father, Thatcher. Richard, her mom's lover and Thatcher, her dad both battle with addiction. It's a strange world. And after Lexie died, Richard provided support to Thatcher.

Addiction sucked! Her mom, Ellis, pushed the world away with her addiction to surgery. Addiction had taken too much from her, she wasn't going to let addiction take Amelia or Richard without a fight.

* * *

As Seattle transitioned into fall there was more and more rain, but otherwise the weather was still pleasant if you didn't mind getting wet. The kids kept bugging her to let them go out on their bikes, but it was usually raining when they were at home. One afternoon it was surprisingly sunny, and she was sitting at work and had no surgeries, just paperwork, so she decided to pack up her paperwork, grab the kids and head home. She quickly texted Alex, Jackson and Amy letting them know she left early with the kids. Zola and Bailey were super excited and were still riding their bikes when Alex and Jackson showed up. "Amelia's picking up dinner from Bokhee's house. Her husband, Jae, made us a dinner," Jackson said.

"We will eat well tonight. Love his BBQ beef," Meredith said.

"Zola, Bailey, come inside and get cleaned up for dinner," Alex yelled.

"Can we ride until Aunt Amy gets here?" Zola asked.

"I guess so. Who should set the table then?" asked Alex.

"Mommy and Uncle Jackson," Bailey responded.

"Jackson, I guess we have our chores," Meredith said heading inside.

Amy arrived about 15min later and the kids bounced into the house with her and Alex. Amy has two large bags of food and says, "Whoever scrubs in with Bokhee tomorrow has to thank her. Jae's meals are amazing!"

"Given we'd all prefer to have Bokhee, I'm sure one of us will have her tomorrow! Amy, what did he send?" Meredith asked.

"BBQ Beef, mixed veggies with tofu, chicken and noodle stir-fry, plain chicken for the kids, rice, and desert," Amy responded reading out the dishes as she sets them on the table.

"I'm glad I came over for dinner," Jackson said. "It's so much better than eating by myself."

"I agree," Amelia added.

"You guys are welcome anytime," Meredith stated.

* * *

The week of her 28 week appointment, she'd run into Dr Smith on the elevator at Grey-Sloan. "I'm in the hospital covering this week, do you have time to do the appointment here?" Dr Smith asked.

"Yes, I can come up after rounds," she replied.

"That makes it easier for both of us. Just have the nurse page me when you get up there," Dr Smith continued as he got out of the elevator first.

She decided not to change and just grabbed her white coat from her locker. She wasn't due in surgery til after lunch. She stopped in the Attendings lounge to see if anyone would be available after rounds to go with her. Amelia said, "I'm available, find me in the neuro research lab before you head up."

"Will do. Thanks, Amy," she said filling up her water bottle and heading out to find her resident.

Alex even made it to the appointment, they saw him in the NICU on their way to the appointment and invited him along. Everything went well. She was reminded to no over do it. To rest. To put my feet up. Really? A surgeon. A mom of 2. She was trying.

* * *

**Hallowe'en**

She was now 32 weeks pregnant and really having to slow down. She was relying on Amelia and Alex for their support as she was so tired by the end of the day. She was no longer covering on-call shifts. And her surgery load was now capped at maximum 3 hours in the OR. It sucked. She was getting tired of supervising appendectomies and hernia repairs. But she wasn't on bed rest. She was still working. So she'd keep following the rules.

Meredith still owned the Ellis' house. The house she'd lived in before Boston. Her mother had never sold the Seattle house. It had been rented out for most of the time they were in Boston, but in Meredith's last few years of Med School as her mother's health was deteriorating it had been left empty. When Meredith came to Seattle to look after her mom and start her internship she moved in and took in roommates. It was quickly named the "Frat house" as a variety of attendings, residents and interns working at Grey-Sloan had all lived there. Alex had lived there until Derek passed away, but he had moved into the Grey-Shepherd "Dream House" after the funeral. Seattle was always her home. Whether it was her mom's house or Derek's house.

_Home in Seattle_

_Derek: In DC, you can do your surgeries, you can do your research, you can do the portal veins. There is nothing you can do here that you can't do there._

_Meredith: But I don't want to! We're not just talking about my job, Derek. We're talking about my life. I grew up here! I made my family here. I helped to rebuild the hospital here that has my sister's name on it, my mother's name, my name! I live here. My life is here. I don't want to leave._

Meredith currently had Jo Wilson and a number of other residents living at the house. She had requested the use of her house for a Hallowe'en party so the kids could trick or treat in a neighbourhood. The dream house didn't have neighbours, unless the fish and ducks in the lake counted. Ben Warren, Bailey's husband, asked to plan the Hallowe'en party for Zola, Bailey, Tuck and Sophia. She easily handed the party to him. He ordered pizza, picked up beer, candy, and some Hallowe'en games for the kids. He convinced Jo to hand out candy so those with kids could head out Trick-Or-Treating.

The kids loved going door-to-door. The neighbourhood was great. Lots of kids. Lots of families out. Ben, Amelia, Alex, Arizona, and Meredith took them out. Bailey and Callie had been called back to the hospital. Meredith made it a block with Bailey and he was getting fussy so she and Alex headed back.

Meredith had been wearing a cute black maternity dress with a pumpkin and saying "My little Pumpkin" on the belly for the last two weeks of October. She wore it while trick or treating with the kids. Zola was a butterfly wearing the wings that Derek had so delicately stitched up when she was 3. Bailey dressed up as Superman, his favourite superhero and he had talked Amelia into dressing up and Superwoman. Sophia was dressed up as a surgeon. Tuck and Ben had also come as superheros.

Meredith was super exhausted after Trick-Or-Treating so Alex drove her and the kids home. He took the kids up to bed and tucked them in, and then took Meredith and tucked her in too. He lay down with her rubbing her back. "Thanks, Alex. That feels amazing," she said before drifting off to sleep. Alex fell asleep beside her.

Alex had taken a photo of the family dressed for Hallowe'en. Amelia and Meredith decided to email it to Carolyn and the Shepherd sisters with a quick note saying 'New Grey-Shepherd baby arriving December'. For the past 6 months, Meredith and Amelia had been avoiding the messages from Carolyn and Nancy. Liz had sent birthday messages, and over the summer had started sending very supportive messages to both Meredith and Amelia. Kathleen, the psychiatrist, had been regularly in contact with her. She was the most supportive, and contacted Meredith right away with congratulations even though it was the middle of the night in New York. Meredith called her back the next day after receiving nasty messages from Nancy and Carolyn.

MG: Kate, they are driving us crazy! What am I to do about these nasty messages from Nancy?

KS: Ignore them? But what do they say?

MG: I'll send you a screenshot, I'm not repeating those words.

KS: She said what!

MG: So I'm not just hormonal and over-reacting?

KS: Definitely not. That was uncalled for. I'll tell her to stop.

MG: Does she listen to you?

KS: I'm her big sister. Hopefully. It sounds like she doesn't believe you are carrying Derek's baby.

MG: She's never liked me.

KS: How are you doing physically?

MG: Not bad, but only allowed in the OR for no more than 3 hours.

KS: You surgeons!

MG: How about your mom?

KS: She's struggling, grieving the loss of her son.

MG: We are grieving his loss here too. Maybe she can come out and see Zola, Bailey and Sophia soon. But only if she is supportive. The last time she called me all she did is yell at me.

KS: You are doing amazing. You have lost so much.

MG: Ellis, Lexie, Mark, Derek.

KS: Mom doesn't want to admit the rest of us are grieving too. We've lost both our brothers and she makes family dinner hard. It's a good thing you are on the west coast. How's Amy?

MG: Amy and I are dealing with it. Some days are better than others. She's clean.

KS: I'm glad she's clean. She's great with the kids.

MG: Living together can be difficult. She is so much like Derek.

KS: Yes, if they weren't 7 years apart in age, they'd be twins. They were very close even when Amy was born. Losing Dad pulled them closer together.

MG: Working together almost drove them apart.

KS: Way to competitive! Too much Ego.

MG: They are both neurosurgeons – and amazing ones at that.

KS: Yes. Do you wish you'd done your neuro fellowship?

MG: In a way, but glad I didn't. I couldn't work with Derek, but I don't think I could do neuro without him.

KS: So maybe that worked out for the best. I do love all of you. I'll touch base with Amy. I miss her.

MG: Thanks so much. Talk soon.

Maybe the oldest Shepherd sibling could start mending the fences in the family. Or at least connect with her littlest sister. Too much loss in the Shepherd and Grey families. They needed to rebuild.

Meredith felt less alone. She had Zola and Bailey. Alex. Amelia. Richard. Miranda. Jackson. Maggie. Callie, Arizona and Sophia. And now Kate.

**Author's Note:**

> I have the first chapters already published on FFN, and am proof-reading and posting here. Since I am editing each chapter, it'll take me a bit to catch up.
> 
> Comments and kudos appreciated.


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